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Silly jokes

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By *uffymayfair   profile verified by photo (M)(F  over a year ago

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Lets have some of the silliest funny jokes just for a laugh x x x

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By *he Scarlet Pimpernel  (M)  over a year ago

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I fancied a bit of a kinky meet, so I arranged a meet with a "Ms Whiplash" (not a real member), and we agreed to meet in my room at the hotel I had booked.

When I opened the door, she was standing there wearing a neck brace and had her solicitor with her.

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By *uffymayfair   profile verified by photo (M)(F  over a year ago

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That's more like it lol

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By *ushingEvenMoreBoundaries  (M)(F  over a year ago

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The wife and kids are leaving me. She says my love for horse racing is getting out of hand.

They're at the gate.....

And they're off.............

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By *he Scarlet Pimpernel  (M)  over a year ago

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A young lad was taking a biology exam.

One of the questions was "Draw the female reproductive organ."

As the exam was progressing, he saw a girl look between her legs, so he shouted at the top of his lungs, "Sir, she's copying!"

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By *uffymayfair   profile verified by photo (M)(F  over a year ago

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Why has noddy got a pointed hat with a bell

Cos he's a twat lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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What hotel would a mouse stay in? The Stilton!

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By *ack117  (M)  over a year ago

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Venisons deer

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By *VESPANDEX   profile verified by photo (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender.

The bartender follows the man’s order and says, That will be $42.50 please.

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk’s instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, What, no drink for me?

Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.

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By *VESPANDEX   profile verified by photo (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane

When another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador

In the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is

Allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer

And the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:

Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very

Purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:

'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her

Seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,

Returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's

Arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making

Note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a

Moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the

Middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure

Out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,

So he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies,

'He just found a bomb !'

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.

I thought she was winding me up, then I saw her face...

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, Blacksmiths, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit,

and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....

and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man:

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for the Inland Revenue & Customs."

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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What's red and sits in the corner?

A noughty bus!

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*othik By *othik   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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A man walks into a bar and says ive got no money but if i show you something amazing can i get a free drink so the bartender says lets see what you've got so he takes a tiny little piano out of a box and puts it and the box on the bar then a tiny little man walks out of the box sits at the piano and plays Mozart note perfect takes a bow and walks back into the box

the barman says that is amazing here's a drink but tell me where did you get that from well earlier today i helped an old lady across the road and she Said thanks sunny by the way im a witch and will grant any wish you like as thanks but she must have been a bit hard of hearing as i ended up with a twelve inch pianist

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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little lad and little lass from Yorkshire in a bath together, little lad says "can I duck you ?" little lass says "No..tha can`t even say it reight"

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By *rbital   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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I've always dreamt of having a cock as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide.

Fanta sized, actually.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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"I've always dreamt of having a cock as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide.

Fanta sized, actually.

"

Haha my bfs is more like fanta zero lmao x

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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News headline: Russian police have confirmed the name of the person they have arrested following the theft of a million soft drinks from a warehouse in Moscow. His name is

KNOCKA-CRATE OFPOP OFF

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By *ozzman60  (M)  over a year ago

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i went into a pet shop and said i wanna buy a wasp

fella says sorry sir we dont sell wasps

i said i just saw one in the window

i,ll get my coat

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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TWO FISH IN A TANK......ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER

"how do you drive this thing?"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Two flies on a cows arse, how do you know which ones the boxer? The one in the ring

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Errrr me and... wait for it.... sex haha!!

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By *ack117  (M)  over a year ago

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What was the last thing Rommel said to his men before they got into their tanks?

'Right men, get in ya tanks'

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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Went to stay at a hotel in leeds and asked for a twin with a tv..... ended up sharing with Danny la Rue and half of Jedward!!!

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By *hav02  (M)  over a year ago

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Blonde joke sorry :p

Why did the blonde [or other group of mocked peoples] also wear condoms on her ears?

She thought it would stop her getting hearing AIDS

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*ksrx By *ksrx   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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two cows in a field, one says 'moo' the other says 'you bastard I was going to say that'

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*ksrx By *ksrx   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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little red riding hood skipping to her grannies when she hears this rustling in the bushes, she shouts 'who's there?' and this wolf scampers off.

Another 50 yards down the road skipping to her grannies she hears the same rustling in the bushes 'who's there?' and this wolf scampers off.

Another 100 yards down the road skipping to her grannies she hears the same rustling in the bushes 'who's there?' and this wolf scampers off.

This time she manages to get 200 yards down the road when she hears this same rustling in the bushes 'who's there?' she cries and this wolf pops up and says 'won't you fuck off I'm trying to have a shit'

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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2 cows in the field... 1 says " this mad cows disease is worrying" t'other replys "don't really bother me as I'm a helicopter" boom boom

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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I heard the other day that the contents of the trophy room at Millwall football club had been stolen, police are looking for a man with a blue & white carpet. HA HA BOOM BOOM!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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I heard the other day that the contents of the trophy room at Millwall football club had been stolen, police are looking for a man with a blue & white carpet. HA HA BOOM BOOM!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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By *urves galore   profile verified by photo (M)(F  over a year ago

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A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a jack russel, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen very carefully," the service man said, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. Then our trained jack russel will go right for his bollocks. When the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect his balls, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"Well........ if I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, " for fuck sake shoot the jack russel."

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*ucy_lush23 By *ucy_lush23  (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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lesbian joins weight watchers..

the teacher sez "U are what U eat",,

lesbian sez " are u calling me a cunt??" :P

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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2 chavs in a car there's no music playing who's driving?

.....................................

THE POLICE

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Elephant says to the naked bloke "how do you drink with that....."

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By *edeyes22  (M)  over a year ago

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Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrrrrrrr!

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F  over a year ago

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A Copper pulled me over last night and gave me a producer. Fuck knows what I'm gonna do with Steven Speilberg in my house, especially as the bastard wouldn't eat his breakfast bacon buttie!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Tony and John were a lovely gay couple, they both worked hard for a living and didn't get a lot of time together. One sunny morning Tony woke John "come on sweet cheeks we are off to Blackpool" dressed immaculately they strolled round the town arm in arm having a lovely day. As they reached the front Tony noticed the big wheel and getting quite excited dragged John over to take a look "oh its huge" said John "i couldn't possibly go on that" Tony called him a big jessie, asked him to wait and skipped off to join the crowd jostling to get on. John sat on a bench and nervously watched him climb aboard and strap himself in, the first time the wheel went round it started to wobble a bit and by the second revolution it was groaning and grinding. John watched in horror as the big wheel broke loose, rolled down the seafront and crashed into the road in a heap of tangled steel and bodies. Fearing the worst for his lover and seized by panic, John raced over and started clawing and dragging steel out of the way, almost at the verge of giving up there he was, and he seemed to be moving, "stay with me my love, i will reach you soon" he cried and re doubled his efforts, as he lifted the last piece of steel away he threw his arms round his man, tears of love and relief in his eyes "Tony oh Tony my love, tell me you still live, tell me you still breathe, tony my love are you hurt?" "Hurt? Hurt?" Tony replied "I went round three times and you didn't wave once!"

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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When we were courting I used to pull my wife's panties to one side to get to her arse, now I have to pull her arse to one side to find her pants! !!!

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*ikeit72 By  *ikeit72    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M)  over a year ago

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Stephen Fry (to Dara O'Brien) "Why is the grass greener in Ireland???"

- Dara " I don't know - why?"

- Stephen Fry " 'Cos you are all over here walking on ours"

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By *VESPANDEX   profile verified by photo (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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What did Jesus ever do for Santa Claus on his birthday?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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What's the most common type of Owl in the UK?

The Teat Owl.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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I never understood fashion, it comes in one year and out the other

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

bread bread

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

Couldn't get his knob out of the chicken

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ’ i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.’ so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, ’I don’t know, I think that she started choking.’

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*teveeb By *teveeb   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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I see police have caught and named that Chinese car thief.....tommytookamotor

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*ladecarpal By *ladecarpal  (M)  over a year ago

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"I see police have caught and named that Chinese car thief.....tommytookamotor "

He was Japanese....I think

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By *ushingEvenMoreBoundaries  (M)(F  over a year ago

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No, Korean surely?

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*ladecarpal By *ladecarpal  (M)  over a year ago

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For Korean out loud...we need to Thai this down!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Korean, surely

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By *ardandhornyherts  (M)(F  over a year ago

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One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in

despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a

drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do

is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink

till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars

from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer,

it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse

races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great

big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do

all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're already

dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

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By *uke and Duchess  (M)(F  over a year ago

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What's the difference between blue and purple?

The grip

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By *uke and Duchess  (M)(F  over a year ago

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Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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whats a green fly with no legs or wings...

a boogie

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F  over a year ago

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There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a

fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head

and is leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find

enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald

head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his

wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week

passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says

"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe

will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his

wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a

REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your

bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple".

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By *urplecutie   profile verified by photo (F  over a year ago

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh....

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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What do you call a deer with no eye? no idea!

What do you call it with no eye and no legs? Still no idea!

What do you call it with no eye, no legs and no cock? Still no fuckin idea!

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*atpurr By  *atpurr    profile verified by photo premium paying member (F  over a year ago

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What do you call a donkey with 3 legs ??

A wonkey

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*ikeit72 By  *ikeit72    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M)  over a year ago

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Why did the mushroom go to the party??

- 'cos he was a funghi (fun guy - geddit?)

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*amtheman By *amtheman   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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What goes beep beep beep beep??

Sunderlands open top bus reversing into the garage!!

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By *urplecutie   profile verified by photo (F  over a year ago

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" What do you call a deer with no eye? no idea!

What do you call it with no eye and no legs? Still no idea!

What do you call it with no eye, no legs and no cock? Still no fuckin idea! "

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no head? Dinner....

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead..

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and le ts him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET....

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads.. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

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By *ozzman60  (M)  over a year ago

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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Quasimodo is walking down the street...... followed by a gang of little kids. He turns round and shouts "for the last time I haven't got your bloody football! !!"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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2 flies in an airing cupboard which ones the soldier?....... The 1 on the tank

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By *lint51   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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Which ones the general?

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By *VESPANDEX   profile verified by photo (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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i,m selling all my dogging gear on Ebay........

No bids yet...but 9 watchers

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By *lint51   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

@private mail, +add as contact

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By *uke and Duchess  (M)(F  over a year ago

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Jonathan Davies "if Wales play well they will win. If they don't England will.

Truly worthy recipient of a Colenmanball

Duke

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By *lint51   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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Not funny

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By *uke and Duchess  (M)(F  over a year ago

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Ahhh humour is a funny thing....

Personal to the person.

Duke

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By *lint51   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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True, but I will rule the world.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Ooooooo no you won't

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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So i asked this bird in the pub"can i smell your pussy ?" "certainly not!" she replied ..... "must be your feet then...." i replied lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Japanese car their:

Yu- nikamota

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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I am not much of a ladies man............only when the gents are shut Ha Ha

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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How can women tell if their fella has orgasmed? You can hear his snoring. ?....

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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Two farmers are checking their flock and spot a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.... One of can't help himself and gets stuck in, when he's done he says "your turn now mate" but his mate says "you can bog off! I'm not sticking my head through the fence"

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*exy martyn By *exy martyn  (M)  over a year ago

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Wot u call a girl with a tile on her head

Ruth x

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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Two farmers are checking their flock and spot a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.... One of can't help himself and gets stuck in, when he's done he says "your turn now mate" but his mate says "you can bog off! I'm not sticking my head through the fence"

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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Two farmers are checking their flock and spot a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.... One of can't help himself and gets stuck in, when he's done he says "your turn now mate" but his mate says "you can bog off! I'm not sticking my head through the fence"

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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Ooops, I only meant to send it once lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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lets get this one done.

why was 5 scared of 6?

(all together now)

Because 7 8 9 !

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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"lets get this one done.

why was 5 scared of 6?

(all together now)

Because 7 8 9 !"

Don't you mean why is 6 afraid of 7?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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And one more...why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Three guys on a small plane were chatting away,

one man says "ok, i bet i can tell where we are by putting my arm out the window"

The other guys were skeptical but were curious.

so the man puts his arm out the window. "ahhh we are just passing italy"

The other guys asked him how he knows? The guy said that he just touched the tower of piza!

later on one of the other guys put his hand out the window to try it!

"we are in Paris" he exclaimed!

"i have just touched the Eiffel Tower!"

the last guy was the most skeptical. "ok im going to do this" puts his arm out the window.

"we are in Slough"

"ive just lost my fecking watch!"

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By *edonistix  (M)  over a year ago

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Odin threw a party for Thor's 21st.

Morning after, Thor woke up with a hangover next to a beautiful woman.

He shook his head, turned to her and said, 'Hi, I'm Thor'

She said, 'Tho am I but I'm thatified'.

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By *rbital   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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I stuck my cock into a glory hole for the first time today.

Nothing happened except the joiner who was hanging the door was furious.

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By *VESPANDEX   profile verified by photo (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay £50 to have a lentil on my face.

ooh hahahahahah I'll get me coat...

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Moyes takes his team to a restaurant, the maitre d meets him at the door ahhh Mr Moyes he says what will you have? oh steak I think he replies. And the vegetables ? asks the maitre d. They can order their own says Moyes.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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The reason Santa is so jolly is ...

he knows where all the bad girls live

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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What do you call a deer with only two legs?......

Eileen.

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*ikeit72 By  *ikeit72    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M)  over a year ago

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why are the Alps so called?

- cos when people fall off em they shout aaaallllpppppppppp!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said hi'! How are you ? Embarrassed I said im doing fine? The voice said so what are you up to? I said just same as you sitting here! He said can I come over? Annoyed I said I rather busy right now the voice said listen I will have to call you bacl there an idiot next door answering all my questions

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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A man walked into a bar in Paris. He asked the barmaid for a Double Entendre. She gave him one.

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By  *inius    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M)  over a year ago

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I saw a magic tractor driving down the road. All of a sudden it turned into a field! :O

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*teveeb By *teveeb   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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Police have caught and named that Russian lemonade thief......nicacrateofpopoff

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swam the English Channel ?

Clever dick .........boom boom.

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By *rbital   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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Some scientists consider sneezing being similar to an orgasm. I only consider it like that when I also spray people on their faces with fluids

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By *ushingEvenMoreBoundaries  (M)(F  over a year ago

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Hallelujah, finally finished this herb book.

It's about thyme.

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*ikeit72 By  *ikeit72    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M)  over a year ago

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"Hallelujah, finally finished this herb book.

It's about thyme. "

-- Was the author Basil Sage???

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By *rbital   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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It's St Patricks day and I've decided to behave typically Irish.

I've planted a bomb in my car.

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*issJu By *issJu  (F  over a year ago

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Wife says to husband: let's have sex in the kitchen!

Husband says to wife: why are you feeling kinky?

Wife says to husband: no I want to time an egg!

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*abulous-fingaz By *abulous-fingaz   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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"Wife says to husband: let's have sex in the kitchen!

Husband says to wife: why are you feeling kinky?

Wife says to husband: no I want to time an egg! "

haha

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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My mrs says I'm useless in the sack, how the hell can she tell after 2 minutes !!!!!

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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A fella walked into a bar and said "ouch!" It was an iron bar

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Who says men can't multitask. I had one off the wrist this morning whilst thinking about the woman next door.

Mr S

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Last night I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge, or foreplay as she likes to call it!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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An old man and old lady were getting ready for bed when suddenly the old lady jumps naked from the bathroom and shouts " super pussy " the old man replies " I'll have the soup "

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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2 monkeys are in a hot bath, 1 says "ooohhh aaahhh ooohhh aaahhh" an the other monkey says "well put some cold water in then"

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By *VESPANDEX   profile verified by photo (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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I'm addicted to placebos,

I'd quit, but it wouldn't matter..

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By *otoguy   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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i said to my gf i want sex using car keys but she just fobbed me off!!

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By *rbital   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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My daughter told me she heard strange animal noises coming from mummy and daddy's bedroom last night so I assured her she must have been dreaming.

I hope she believed me. I want the pony to be a surprise for her birthday.

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By *argeguy   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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Guy walks up to the pub landlord and says 'see this ferret, it will give you the best blowjob you've ever had', the landlord says 'piss off, your having a laugh.

He takes the ferret into the toilet and five minutes later comes out and says 'fucking hell that was great, how much do you want for it, give you anything you want.

They settle on a prince of £500 and after pub closing he goes upstairs to his wife making dinner.

He shows her the ferret and she says 'what the fuck have you bought that for'

Calmly the landlord says 'Teach it to cook and fuck off'

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By *rbital   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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I took my wife and daughter away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" I asked my wife when we were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she replied, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," I said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

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By *awtybuilder  (M)  over a year ago

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Bill says to Ben, flobba...lobba...lobble...and Ben replies....For fuck sake Bill....if you loved me you'd swallow.!.

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*ikeit72 By  *ikeit72    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M)  over a year ago

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Bill says to Ben, "flobba...dobble...lobba...lobble..." and Ben replies..."Nah I'll get these - your so pissed they wont serve ya!"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Boss says to his worker bend over get the money by the you get up I will have fucked u .

She rings her boyfriend and says can I do it her boyfriend says yeah.

Boss drops lots of change and tells her to pick it up

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By *appybudda  (M)  over a year ago

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what's brown and sticky

a stick

da da dum......tsss

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By *lint51   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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"what's brown and sticky

a stick

da da dum......tsss

"

?????

Not very good at understanding jokes.

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By *appybudda  (M)  over a year ago

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ok just for Glint

a guy with two burnt ears went to the hospital

'what happened' they said.

'well I was ironing and the phone went and by mistake I picked up the iron'

what happened to the other ear they asked

'they called back'

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By *lint51   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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"ok just for Glint

a guy with two burnt ears went to the hospital

'what happened' they said.

'well I was ironing and the phone went and by mistake I picked up the iron'

what happened to the other ear they asked

'they called back'

"

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By *appybudda  (M)  over a year ago

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just heed the warning next time you're ironing

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By *lint51   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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"just heed the warning next time you're ironing "

Did that 4.30am this morning. Phones not near iron!

Got to steam clean the bathrooms next, change the bed, fetch more washing out of washer and on cloths horse followed by pub and finally car parks.

I feel tired already and I still need to be at work for 5 in the morning.

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F  over a year ago

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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

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By *ushingEvenMoreBoundaries  (M)(F  over a year ago

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Why isn't he called bigfeet, is he some kind of freak or something?

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*ikeit72 By  *ikeit72    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M)  over a year ago

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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub - The landlord said "Is this some kind of a joke?"

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By *appybudda  (M)  over a year ago

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two cannibals eating a clown.

one turns to the other and says

'does this taste funny to you?'

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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"two cannibals eating a clown.

one turns to the other and says

'does this taste funny to you?'

"

Get your coat,

You've pulled

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By *appybudda  (M)  over a year ago

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I'm already at your gate

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By *ip service   profile verified by photo (F  over a year ago

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A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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"I'm already at your gate "

With a big fat 8? You wanna see the smile on my face

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By *appybudda  (M)  over a year ago

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you hear me knocking but I can't get in

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*ikeit72 By  *ikeit72    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M)  over a year ago

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"you hear me knocking but I can't get in

"

lol - your knees????

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*edge27375 By *edge27375   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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Just got back from the hospital after visiting my friend. He was rushed in after sticking plastic horses up his arse. He's ok was a bit rough at first but he's in a stable condition

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By *rbital   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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I got totally pissed last night and ended up shagging a woman with a really tight vagina and the most massive clit I've ever seen.

I think she said her name was Derek.

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By *enry honda  (M)  over a year ago

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I said to my mates...... "guess what? I've started fucking my girlfriend's twin as well!" " how can you tell them apart? " they asked.... I said "it's easy, Derek's got a moustache !!!!"

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By *VESPANDEX   profile verified by photo (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Haven't we seen this on another thread?

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By *VESPANDEX   profile verified by photo (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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probably..

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*ikeit72 By  *ikeit72    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M)  over a year ago

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"probably.. "

oooh doing a Carlsberg ad lol

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By *VESPANDEX   profile verified by photo (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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the next Expendables film will only be a PG rating... there will be more deaths than the previous 2 films, however most of them will be from natural causes..

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*ottvcarole By *ottvcarole  (TV/TS/CD)  over a year ago

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Two gorgeous women walk into bar in Southern Ireland. One of the locals tries to chat them up. After a while one of the females has a natures break. While she is away her friend tells the local they are both Lesbians. What is that the local asks.

The girl replies that she would rather take her friend to the car park, lift her skirt, remove her panties and eat her pussy.

Bejeebers the local replies, I must also be a Lesbian

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By  *ay83    profile verified by photo premium paying member (F  over a year ago

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This is an old forum thread ........

(I get regularly told lots of bad jokes)

What do you get when you cross a Rooster and an Owl?... .... a Cock that stays up all night long

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*eeppen69 By *eeppen69   profile verified by photo (M)  over a year ago

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Why has Edward Woodwood got so many D's in his name?

Because Ewar Woowoo sounds silly!

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F  over a year ago

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Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me, then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly shit myself. I looked again saw the eyes looking at me then disappear again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and I asked a Chinese guy behind the counter "what the bloody hell was going on here?" He said "you no worry it Peking duck "

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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3 women were in a bar on a Friday night...all were looking to hook up and as the drinks flowed started to boast about their respective sexual prowess. The first one proudly announced ' see this beer bottle...I can take it inside me to the hilt' and with that she placed it on the bar stool and slid down it so it was inside her.....the second woman was unimpressed "That's nothing...I can handle a champagne bottle" and with that placed a champagne bottle on her bar stool, opened her legs and slid down all the way so the bottle was inside her....the last woman who was watching all this with aplomb...didn't utter a word and simply opened her legs and slid down the bar stool.

Adam and Eve had the surreal pleasure of being the first humans to go 'wife swapping' with Extra Terrestrials. After a nervous first half hour, the alien male led Eve to one room on their spaceship. The male alien looked pretty much like their human counterpart apart from having a pointy nose and big flat ears. Well after the usual nervous start both human and alien were enjoying each others bodies....with much foreplay taking place. Eve was clearly impressed with this other worldly being's attentiveness and was even more impressed but the size of his 'alien-hood'....she encouraged the alien to enter her and was not dissapointed. During the throws of passion the alien encouraged Eve to slap his ears....in doing so his appendage gained girth...clearly enjoying the sensation of controlling the girth of this cock she proceeded to swap positions so she was riding his now inches wide cock....as the interplanetary fucking continued she was encouraged to pull his nose....and in doing so...felt his cock grow in length inside her....her pleasure was mounting and she became insatiable within minutes...slapping his ears and pulling his nose...the hours passed by and she came multiple times before finally collapsing in a sweaty but contented heap on the alien bed.

The next day they all met to bid farewell to each other. On the way home Adam and Eve asked each other how it went....Eve was positively bubbling over still reliving the experience and how it went. Unfortunately for Adam the night proved uneventful and to top it of he had a banging headache.

What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles?

Whodyaknickabollockov

What do you call a Chinaman with only one testicle?

One-hung-lo

Two Irishmen, Seamus and Patrick, were out of work and looking for jobs. One of the ads they saw was this: 'Tree fellers wanted. Training provided, good pay'. Patrick nudges Seamus and sadly says "what a pity there's only the two of us"

What do you call an Asian lesbian? Mingeeter

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*umping_Jack_Flash By *umping_Jack_Flash  (M)  over a year ago

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Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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*rdreamin By *rdreamin   profile verified by photo (F  over a year ago

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"Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

"

Ha ha good one!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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I went to get a hearing aid fitted a few weeks ago, it wasn't ready and they said they'd get in touch. I still haven't heard anything.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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Some people put manure on their rhubarb.

I prefer custard myself!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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"whats a green fly with no legs or wings...

a boogie "

Bogey!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

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A leper was playing poker. He was having such a lousy night he ended up throwing his hand in.

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F 52 weeks ago

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Took my wife boat fishing today,to teach her a valuable lesson.

After about an hour I caught a nice 18lb Cod. I laid it on the deck and hit it several times over the head killing it

"Huh what valuable lesson has that taught me?" asked the wife

"It would still be alive if it had kept its bloody mouth shut" I replied

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By (user no longer on site) 52 weeks ago

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An Englishman, Irishman, Scottsman, Rabbi, Horse and a Duck walk into a pub. Barman looks up and says 'fuck this for a joke, sling'ya hook!!'

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F 40 weeks ago

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SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.

How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

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*rizzly squirrel By *rizzly squirrel  (M) 40 weeks ago

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ancient chinese proverb say's. It is good to meet girl in park, it is better to park meat in girl.

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F 40 weeks ago

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Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.

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By  *ornish cum slut    profile verified by photo premium paying member (F 40 weeks ago

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Was going to take an airline to court for losing my luggage but my solicitor advised me I didn't have a case

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By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago

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Why do Norwegian battleships have barcodes on them?

So when they come back from sea they can Scan-da-navy-in

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*iManExeter By *iManExeter  (M) 40 weeks ago

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At the gates to Heaven there are three men with their daughters. The first man says to St. Peter " Are we getting in"? St. Peter replies "No all you ever cared about in life was money you even called your daughter Penny" So off they go to get into the queue for Hell. The next man says "Can we come in:? St. Peter says "No all you ever cared about in life was alcohol and getting drunk, you even called your daughter Brandy"! So they too join the Hell queue. The third man turns to his daughter and says "Come on Fanny we're not getting in here".

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By *eorge1949   profile verified by photo (M) 40 weeks ago

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Two elderly women are walking through a museum and get separated.

As soon as they meet up with each other again, one of them appears quite flustered and says, "Goodness, gracious! Did you see the statue of the naked man back there? I've never been so shocked. How can they possibly display such a thing. My gosh, the penis on it was so large!" Whereupon, the other old lady blurts out, "Yes, and so cold, too!"

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By *eorge1949   profile verified by photo (M) 40 weeks ago

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The Dentist

The dentist prepares the needle to give the patient with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.

“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.

So the dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again.

“I can't do the gas thing either." The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”

She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”

When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”

The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn't” she said,

"But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

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By *orthern Lad72   profile verified by photo (M) 40 weeks ago

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I came home earlier to find that someone had shoved a lump of plasticine through my letterbox...

I didn't know what to make of it!

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By *he artful todger  (TV/TS/CD) 40 weeks ago

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A parcel courier stopped me today and asked me what time it was,I told him it was between 9am and 8pm.....

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*iManExeter By *iManExeter  (M) 40 weeks ago

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A man walks into a bar and say to the barmaid "I'll have a double entendre". So the barmaid gave him one".

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By *eorge1949   profile verified by photo (M) 40 weeks ago

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You’ve seen all the commercials. But what *really* happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do:

** Free room and board,

** 1/3 ownership in the store,

** a company car,

** a king size bed, and

** $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

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By *elfordwolf   premium paying member (M) 34 weeks ago

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my wife told me to go to the drs to get something for my erection problem,you should have seen her face when I went home and threw her some slimming pills.....i'm still looking for somewhere to live

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*2009 By *2009   profile verified by photo (M) 34 weeks ago

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I met at 12 breasted woman the other day. Sounds weird dozen tit?

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*aster888 By  *aster888    profile verified by photo premium paying member (M) 34 weeks ago

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The smelliest thing in the world ????

A kippers fanny !!!

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F 33 weeks ago

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When I walked in the house last night my wife went mental, shouting and screaming, "Where the fucking hell have you been?"

I said, "I took the dog for a walk."

"And where is the dog?" She replied.

I said, "He died four years ago.

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F 28 weeks ago

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I was busy rolling a cigarette on my way home from the pub last night when I suddenly thought,

"It's got to be quicker to pick it up and carry the fucking thing!!

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*aptain_mithras By *aptain_mithras   profile verified by photo (M) 24 weeks ago

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"I was busy rolling a cigarette on my way home from the pub last night when I suddenly thought,

"It's got to be quicker to pick it up and carry the fucking thing!!"

.

LOL.

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By *lutandhubby  (M)(F 14 weeks ago

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The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.” “What?” the coach says in a panic, “How far down does it go?” Penelope replies, “Down to my testicles. That’s something else I want to talk to you about.

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